Wagging a finger at FA advice, says JUDY FINNIGAN

My advice would be to just say no. Don't go; don't subject yourself to a month of nervous anxiety about what you should wear (nothing that shows your shoulders or knees), how you should behave (no public displays of affection), and what you must not do (drink alcohol in public, swear, sing, shout or drop litter) if you want to avoid a year in jail and a £6,000 fine. It's also illegal to have sex if you're not married, so the girlfriends have a problem.

Of course, I'm not endorsing loutish conduct abroad; good manners in a foreign country are vital. But the problem for tourists in an Arab state, especially if you're on holiday, is you can never relax. The prevailing atmosphere, even in hotels, is one of watchful disapproval and ever-threatening punishment.

So even if you'd never dream of making a spectacle of yourself or acting like a rowdy yob, you still feel the warders are watching, just waiting for you to offend.

It certainly doesn't make for a relaxing break.

I'd also ask any Wag, including Jack Grealish's girlfriend Sasha Attwood if she weren't a little peeved about the disrespect shown by FA officials who dare to give grown women lectures on how to behave?

And isn't she equally cheesed off by being called a Wag, that patronising group term for players' wives and girlfriends, as if they're a flock of sheep? Which is probably how they'll be regarded in Qatar anyway. Women don't flourish in the Middle East.

We've been to Dubai a few times for the annual literary festival. At first, I was dazzled by the Arabian Nights glamour - tented desert feasts under starry skies, handsome men in pristine white robes, beautiful women in full make-up behind their veils, Dior couture beneath their abayas.

Gradually we became aware of the hint of menace behind the mystique, the way sentinels lurk in hotel corners, checking you aren't breaking some Islamic code. Sinister.

We didn't like it and we won't go again. Wives and girlfriends, just say no.

General election ASAP

Remember Brenda from Bristol, who spoke for Britain back in 2017 by wailing "Not ANOTHER one!" when informed by a TV news reporter that Theresa May had called a snap election?

We felt her pain; but right now I'd say we certainly need another one, ASAP.

This "government" is a laughing stock; I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be a Brit. How the world must be sniggering at us. Liz Truss obviously couldn't hang on while ministers played musical chairs, self-interest revoltingly defeating principle.

It's beyond appalling.

Judi's heir rage over cruel Crown codswallop

Now that Dame Judi Dench has added her voice to the swelling disapproval of The Crown, will Netflix bow to pressure and show a disclaimer before each episode stating it's "fictionalised drama"?

Don't hold your breath. All the publicity is manna to the ratings.

But Judi, one national treasure defending another, is right to say the drama is cruel and unjust.

Those who say nobody takes it seriously are wrong. These days any vile rumour, however idiotic, spreads venom across the globe.

Sir John Major has rubbished the drama's claim that he and Charles plotted to make the Queen abdicate, dubbing it a "barrel-load of malicious nonsense".

What the producers won't acknowledge is that the victims are not museum waxworks but living people. Knowingly broadcasting damaging lies the Royals can't refute is plain evil.